


Listen Before You Go

by MarieDarkholme



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:41:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29767407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarieDarkholme/pseuds/MarieDarkholme
Summary: He was always eager to come home, even after just a couple of days of work trips such as this one. But, this time, he felt oddly tense and apprehensive without knowing why. He felt an urgency to return to his flat. The one he has been sharing with his boyfriend since they moved in together two years ago.Something had happened. Kogane would not be calling otherwise. The clock now marked five past seven; the evening training must have just finished and Kei should have been there. So, something had happened.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 9
Kudos: 40





	1. I wanna see the world

**Author's Note:**

> Konnichiwa minna!
> 
> It's been many years since I've written consistently. Many ideas lie dormant in the confines of my laptop but recently I've been very inspired by Haikyuu and avidly reading stories of my favorite pairing: KuroTsukki. This will be a short one, no more than 2 or 3 chapters, but I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Please be aware that this fiction talks about mental health problems so you might find some of the content triggering.

The clock marked fifteen to seven in the evening when the train announced its approximation to Sendai Station. He easily reached the overhead compartment for his small suitcase and swiftly brought it down to rest on the floor beside him. He swung his black laptop briefcase over his shoulder and walked towards the doors of the carriage.

He was always eager to come home, even after just a couple of days of work trips such as this one. But, this time, he felt oddly tense and apprehensive without knowing why. He felt an urgency to return to his flat. The one he has been sharing with his boyfriend since they moved in together two years ago.

As the Tohoku regional manager for the sports promotion section of the Japan Volleyball Association, he often traveled for a couple of days or a week at maximum away from Sendai to liaise with different teams and local media. Although he enjoyed meeting the different teams and their players, some of whom he had been acquainted with back when he also played volleyball in high school and university, he was his most happiest and relaxed when he was able to return to their flat at the end of a workday. Still, he had never felt as he did now, with such a strong sense of foreboding that made his chest heavy and his breathing hard.

He ran his free hand over his raven black hair trying to calm himself down and get his fringe off his eyes. Neither worked. He spotted a taxi and walked towards it. He didn’t want to wait for the bus and he was determined to get home as fast as he possibly could. He tried to convince himself that he was probably just tired and stressed with the ongoing projects he knew he would have to pick up again first thing in the morning. He had also slept poorly, even after spending almost an hour on the phone with his boyfriend, which usually managed to soothe his nerves and lull him to sleep. But, instead, he had tossed and turned all night.

He had his hand on the door of the taxi when his mobile started to ring in the pocket of his suit jacket. He managed to shove his suitcase inside the car before sliding into the backseat and giving the driver his destination. He reached for the inside pocket and pulled his mobile out just as the ringing stopped and for a moment he pondered whether to call them back right away or wait until he got home. As he unlocked the screen and saw the name of the caller, a new sense of dread took over and his chest squeezed painfully with anxiety as he pressed the dial on the screen. The phone had barely gone into the second ring when Kogane’s voice sounded on the other side.

“Kuroo-san?” Kogane asked.

“Yes. You called me?” Kuroo Tetsurou replied tensely.

“Are you back in Sendai?”

Tetsurou had known Koganegawa Kanji for a few years now. Their relationship had started as strictly professional. The raven-haired sports promoter had been introduced to the ex-Dateko tall setter when Kogane signed a contract with the Sendai Frogs, one of the volleyball teams under his jurisdiction. But it was somewhat inevitable that he was to become closer to not only the setter but also a couple of other players in the team. After all, Tetsurou’s boyfriend was one of Sendai Frogs’ middle blockers and there were always the occasional dinner parties that they were both invited to and that Tetsurou encouraged his usually socially-avoidant boyfriend to attend. Despite that, they were not as close as for Kogane to call him late in the evening and ask him about his whereabouts unless there was a reason for it.

“I’m in a taxi. Where is Kei?”

There was a pause and Tetsurou heard as Kogane shushed someone. There was a hushed conversation on the other side of the line and, although he could not understand what was being said, he could hear Kyoutani Kentarou, another Sendai Frogs player, trying to talk to Kogane. He looked outside his window, dread growing the longer the setter kept arguing with his friend. Something had happened. Kogane would not be calling otherwise. The clock now marked five past seven; the evening training must have just finished and Kei should have been there. So, something had happened. Something had happened to Kei.

Tetsurou’s grip on the phone tightened, his knuckles blanching.

“Kogane!” he snapped, effectively getting the setter’s attention back to him. “Where is Kei?”

Kogane took a deep breath before he replied. “We don’t know.”

He felt a full-body shudder as the icy grips of fear traveled down his spine and froze his right hand on his phone, the left closed in a fist over his thigh, his short nails digging into the skin of his palm. And just like that, everything made sense and Tetsurou chastised his rational mind for not realizing what he had instinctively known.

Kogane explained how the team had noticed Kei had been _off_ for the past few weeks. The usually snarky and intelligent middle blocker had seemed distracted and quiet during training. His performance hadn’t seemed to be affected so neither the coaches nor the players had said anything. But for the past few days, Kei had been even more withdrawn and appeared tired; he missed a few blocks and had been completely spaced out during practice when he was hit by a stray spike. Nothing serious, Kogane quickly added. But his nose had been bleeding and he was supposed to have gone to the infirmary to stop the bleeding, ice it and wait for Kogane who would be taking him home. However, when the training ended and Kogane had gone to pick up his friend from the infirmary, he had found the single bed empty and Kei was nowhere to be found.

“His gym bag is still here. So is his mobile. I don’t know if he has his house keys or his wallet.” The concern was evident in the setter’s voice and had Tetsurou’s mind not been worrying about his currently missing boyfriend, he would have commended Kogane for being able to keep his cool despite the situation, which was not something he had expected from him.

With his mind going a mile a minute, he instructed the setter to take Kei’s bag and to let him know if he heard anything from the middle blocker. Tetsurou then ended the call and quickly scrolled through his contacts towards the end of the list. He absently bit into his bottom lip as he waited for Yamaguchi to pick up the phone.

How could he not have noticed? he berated himself. In retrospect, he could see the changes that had been slowly creeping up in his boyfriend’s behavior; how Kei had been going to bed late but still be the first one up; how he would often find his dinner still in the fridge; how he had been spending more time lying on the couch with his headphones on and a book he would have usually finished by now. Kei had always been generous with his sarcasm and criticism and sparse with his smiles and affections. But, after four years of dating and two of living together, he had become more honest with his need to touch and be touched as a means of communicating what he found hard to put into words. And for the last few weeks, Kei had slowly been withdrawing into his shell; he had been physically and emotionally distant.

How could he not have noticed?

“Hello, Kuroo-san.” Yamaguchi greeted in his usual cheerful voice. “What do I—“

“Have you seen or heard from Kei?” Tetsurou asked before the other man could continue with his usual pleasantries.

“No. Why?”

Tetsurou could picture Yamaguchi sitting straight up at these words. He could hear him talking to his wife, Hitoka, in the background before there was a rustling sound and Yamaguchi told him he was now on speaker. He quickly explained the situation. If there was someone who knew Kei as well, if not even better than himself, that person was Yamaguchi Tadashi. The two had known each other since middle school and remained best friends to this day. Yamaguchi had been a scaredy-cat freckled child and overly anxious teenager. But, hanging out with the outwardly confident and sarcastic Kei, had somehow rubbed him the right way. By their third year of high school, Yamaguchi was the volleyball team Captain and from there, he had continued to grow into the confident and caring young man he was nowadays.

“Stay calm, Kuroo-san. Tsukki always goes to places he feels comforted and safe when he is not feeling well.” Yamaguchi’s voice was calm and steady and Tetsurou found himself taking a deep breath as the freckled man spoke.

“I’ll call Akiteru-nii-san and Sugawara-senpai, in case he has reached out to them.” Hitoka said.

“What if—“

“No.” Yamaguchi interrupted him in both an answer to the question he had not finished but also an abrupt stop to his thoughts. But when he spoke again, his voice was smaller, unsure, scared. “Tsukki promised. He promised.”

Tetsurou bit down the words threatening to spill out. It would do neither of them any good. It would do Kei no good either. He looked through the taxi’s window; five minutes or so and he would be home. He told Yamaguchi as much and the man asked him to stay on the line. Hitoka’s voice sounded in the background as she spoke with Kei’s brother, Akiteru. It would appear that the older Tsukishima had not seen or heard from Kei for the past three days. Tetsurou had not expected much different. Although the brothers had rekindled their relationship over the years, Kei was never good at keeping in touch, even with family; his boyfriend’s mother always complained to Tetsurou how her son would go days without calling her if she didn’t reach out to him.

He could see the outline of the block of flats in the distance fast approaching. He felt the churning of anxiety as the taxi approached and he spotted the darkness of the kitchen and living room windows.

“I’m here.” He informed Yamaguchi and Hitoka. He struggled to get his wallet from his pocket and barely glanced at the money he hastily handed over to the taxi driver before he was jumping out of the car, suitcase in hand. He pushed the buttons on the keypad at the building entrance briskly, misdialling the code a couple of times and cursing before he heard the familiar ring of the door unlocking and swiftly walked inside. One of the elevators was on the ground floor but even as it steadily inched towards the eighth floor, Tetsurou felt as if the seconds were dragging into hours and tapped his foot fretfully on the floor.

The hallway was empty. He hurried to the door of their flat, walking past the open stairwell door and to the end of the corridor. He opened the door into a dark hall. There were no shoes at the genkan and Kei’s house slippers were still at their usual spot, but it wouldn’t be the first time his boyfriend felt too tired to take off his shoes and just dropped on the couch before forcing the trainers off his feet and letting them drop haphazardly on the living room’s floor. But as Tetsurou switched the lights on and stepped into the kitchenette, the sofa was empty. He ran towards the bedroom and finding it devoid of life, he finally checked the bathroom before the panic overtook him. Tetsurou stood in the middle of the living room, a million scenarios playing through his mind, each one worse than the previous one.

“He’s not here.” His voice wavered as a sob escaped his lips. “He’s not here.” He repeated, panic tightening its grip on his heart and clouding his thoughts. He could faintly hear Yamaguchi and Hitoka, both still on the line, as they methodically named each different place their friend could have gone to. Hitoka must have been talking with Sugawara and Daichi as he could hear her discussing the possibility of reporting Kei as missing and whether Daichi, being part of Sendai’s Police Department, could help with that.

He had just spoken with Kei yesterday night. His boyfriend had been less talkative, even for his standards, but Tetsurou had not given much thought to it. Why had he not asked about it? Instead, he had entertained Kei with stories of his trip and of the Morioka Wagtails, a previously amateur volleyball team that had just managed to ascend to Division 2 of the volleyball league. Kei had quipped in now and then to keep the conversation going. Tetsurou had asked about his boyfriend’s day and the middle blocker had briefly told him about the coach pushing them with jump training and how tired he felt. They had been talking for a while when he noticed Kei’s voice quivering. Only then did he notice that the background sounds of cars and birds were much louder than it would be expected and to his chagrin, Kei then admitted he had been sitting outside for the entirety of their phone call.

And then something clicked.

“Kei was outside yesterday night when we were talking.” Tetsurou said out loud, and, although inadvertently, immediately caught the attention of the couple on the other side of the phone.

“Outside?” Yamaguchi asked in surprise. “But you don’t have a balcony on your flat…”

“And Tsukki hates talking on the phone in public.” Hitoka added thoughtfully.

Mobile still in hand, Tetsurou pocked the keys he was still holding and dashed to the door. “No.” he agreed as he made his way to the open door leading to the stairwell. “But we have a roof.”

He barely caught the joint gasp from his friends just before they called out to him. His heart was beating loud and fast, and Tetsurou could hear the blood pumping in his ears and the asynchronous breaths he took as he climbed two stairs at a time. He stopped at the sight of the door ajar. Unsure of what he would find on the other side and fearful of making any sudden noises, he slowly pushed the door which slid open with barely a sound. At first he saw nothing but the empty expanse before him but as he turned his head to survey the remaining of the structure, his eyes caught on a lonely figure sitting on the ledge.

Kei was still wearing his training gear; his long legs were exposed to the chilly wind and his torso was covered only by the flimsy white, green, and golden sports cardigan with the Sendai Frogs’ logo visible on the back. He sat, facing away from the door, one foot propped on the ledge, his head cradled on his arms resting on his knee. Tetsurou could not see his other leg and could only guess it was dangling down the abyss on the wrong side of the ledge.


	2. Drift Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Usually, he would be analysing the game but his attention quickly dwindled as his thoughts drifted away. What was the point anyway? He’s only on the team because of his height and game sense, and the latter seemed to have been absent for days now. Kei was sure the coach had noticed his removed presence and was bound to act on it sooner rather than later. 
> 
> After all, there were other middle blockers in the team. They didn’t need him. 
> 
> Useless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note the Mature and Mental Health Issues tags. If these are triggering for you, please read the endnotes before reading the chapter.
> 
> It took me a bit longer to write this than I thought it would. Sumimasen, minna. My deepest thanks to everyone who has left comments, kudos, and read the previous chapter. Do buckle up for this chapter! It is a tough ride. >_<

* * *

_**Chapter 2.** Drift Away_

_Jump. One touch._

_Step. Jump. Spike._

_Step. Step. Jump. Not high enough._

_Dive. Point. Not fast enough._

_Step. Step. Jump. One touch._

_Jump. Serve. Not strong enough._

**_Not good enough._ **

Kei’s arms felt leaden as he struggled to bring them above his head for another spike. His movements felt sluggish as he wrestled his feet to side-step and meet Kogane for a two-man block. They jumped and Kei watched as the distance between Kogane’s hands and his widened leaving a gap between them as they reached their peak despite their similar heights. Kei bit his bottom lip as he landed.

_You suck._

He felt as if his feet were enveloped in a block of cement and a few boulders had replaced his internal organs as he tried to move and keep up with the fast-paced game.

He heard the coach call out his name and nodded at the instructions shouted at him. But his usual cool-headedness and game sense seemed nowhere to be found. It would have been fine if this was a one-time occurrence; an off day. But for a few weeks now he had progressively and consistently felt off. He struggled with the motivation to get out of bed and get ready in the morning despite the fact he spent hours sleeplessly tossing and turning. And, although a cup of coffee usually did miracles to help him focus, he wasn’t able to concentrate, neither at his part-time with the museum nor during practice, resulting in tasks taking much longer than usual and mistakes being made which left him feeling guilty and useless.

“Tsukki!” Kogane’s voice snapped him from his ruminations just in time to step and jump for the spike the setter had sent his way. His fingertips grazed the ball, inadvertently feinting his teammates on the opposite side of the court and scoring a point for the green vests. Kogane whooped raising his hands for a double high five that Kei half-hearted participated in.

The team rotated and Kei walked towards the free zone across the end-line to prepare for his serve. His eyes turned to the point counter at the sudden realization that he wasn’t even sure whether they were winning or losing. It marked 14-17 in their favor. He focused on the teammates across the net and tried to recall who had been missing the most receives but found he could barely remember the last few plays his own team had made let alone what the opposite team had been doing. He sighed resigned to his inability to keep track of anything at the moment.

The blow of the whistle startled him and for a split second, he felt as though he was back at his first official game with the Sendai Frogs, doing his first serve jump. The toss was sloppy and the ball started to drop further ahead than he had planned, resulting in Kei having to switch from a power serve to a soft one. The yellow and navy blue volleyball swirled and hit the edge of the net, but, fortunately, it crossed to the opposite court. It was picked up by the opposite spiker before their setter centered the ball for their middle blocker to complete a quick attack. The green vests’ right-side hitter dived for a pancake receive and Kogane tossed high to Kyoutani who finished the play with a terrifying cross-shot.

The team cheered, meeting at the center of the court for a victory shout. Kei joined them spiritlessly before grabbing the ball and preparing his next serve.

“Nice serve!” Kogane shouted from his position near the net.

A couple of points later, Kei rotated out as the team’s libero took his place in the back zone and he felt grateful for the time out. Usually, he would be analysing the game but his attention quickly dwindled as his thoughts drifted away. What was the point anyway? He’s only on the team because of his height and game sense, and the latter seemed to have been absent for days now. Kei was sure the coach had noticed his removed presence and was bound to act on it sooner rather than later. After all, there were other middle blockers on the team. They didn’t need him. _Useless._

_I don’t want to be here,_ he thought. He felt too tired, too drained of any willingness to do anything. Even existing felt like too much of an effort. Kei wished he could just go home and curl under the duvet and forget about everything. The voices of his teammates sounded faraway and his thoughts were hazy as if he was struggling to wake up from a dream. He vaguely wondered if he was about to pass out, even though the sensation was dissimilar from dizziness. Had he eaten lunch? He couldn’t remember.

One of his teammates pushed him towards the court and Kei absently walked to take his position. He stood there, only dimly aware of his team serving. A fog had descended over his brain; his thoughts were sluggish and he felt progressively more detached; everything around him was enveloped in an ethereal haze, too unsubstantial to be real.

The pain that exploded from his nose and across his face brought him back to the moment. His eyes immediately watered and he fell backward, barely avoiding hitting his head on the hard floor as he braced himself on his forearm. He could the warm blood running from his nose as he moved to sit.

“Oh my god! Tsukki!” Kogane’s shrill voice cried as someone helped him to a seated position and brought something soft to his face, pushing it against his nose. He winced as he brought his hand up to take the towel from the person and position it in a less painful manner near his nose. With his glasses blurry with tears, he could barely distinguish the faces of his teammates as they all crowded around asking if he was okay.

The average speed of a volleyball spike is somewhere between 70 and 80 miles per hour at the professional level. Some, like Ushijima and Bokuto could spike at even higher velocities. With the right angle, an impact at that speed is enough to knock out a grown man and certainly more than enough to break someone’s nose. Kei knew this very well. He knew he shouldn’t have allowed himself to become distracted in the middle of practice. But it wasn’t so much that he let himself be distracted, but rather that he had seemingly slipped out of reality without realizing it.

“Are you alright, Tsukishima?” the coach asked. Kei looked towards his voice, blinking. Someone pulled his sports glasses over his head and he blinked the tears in his eyes. The coach brought his hand and the towel away from his nose with one hand as the other tilted Kei’s head back and side to side to assess the damage. “It doesn’t look like it’s broken, but it’s going to leave a nasty bruise.” His voice was gruff as he shouted orders to the other players and the adjunct. Kei could tell he was upset; possibly even angry. Why wouldn’t he? Kei had just interrupted their valuable training time with a stupid bleeding nose after standing around carelessly in the middle of the court.

He was taken to the infirmary by the adjunct coach who then proceeded to help Kei clean the mess of blood down his face and neck. Throughout the entire procedure, Kei remained silent, allowing the adjunct to do as he saw fit. Fortunately, the bleeding had stopped, otherwise, they would have insisted that he attended the emergency department and Kei didn’t think he could cope with that at the moment.

“Here, Tsukishima.” The adjunct returned with an icepack that he handed over to the middle blocker. “This should help with the pain and the swelling.”

Silence fell heavy in the small infirmary. Eyes downcast, Kei tried to focus on the cool sensation of the icepack easing the burning pain on his face. But, as it happened frequently over the last weeks, the thoughts in his head became difficult to ignore as they grew louder and louder.

He should go back to training. But now he felt even less motivated to stand in the court. A ball in the face was no reason to skip practice though. The adjunct would certainly tell the coach the bleeding had stopped and Kei should return and at least sit on the bench. He wasn’t even dizzy anymore so he could play. He should play. The coach would realize he was not putting enough effort into it. The team would conclude that he was weighing them down. The contract renewal was not until the next season but they would just pay for the breach and be done with him and invest in a new, better player.

_Aki-nii will be so disappointed. “You’re a failure.”_

_Tetsurou will leave him. I don’t stick around losers._

_Tsukki, you’ve become so lame. Tiredshima, time to step out! I always knew you didn’t have what it takes to make it, Tsukki! This is karma for always being a jerk! You are just not worth the effort, Tsukishima._

**_You’re lame._ **

_**You’re useless**._

_**You will never be someone worth keeping**._

**_You might as well—_ **

“—kishima?”

Kei blinked to see the adjunct coach sitting in a chair in front of him, a concerned expression etched on his features. The icepack had fallen from Kei’s hand and was now wetting the consulting bed’s paper cover and he wondered how long he had been lost in his thoughts again. The adjunct lips pressed together as if he was struggling with his next words and he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and peering up at Kei.

“Tsukishima, is everything alright? You seem distraught.” _We don’t need players who can’t keep their heads straight._

Kei’s hands grasped each other, as they always seemed to do when he was nervous, and he started pulling at his fingers. His tongue felt swollen and heavy in his dry mouth.

“Everything is fine, Nakano-san.”

The adjunct coach seemed unconvinced but Kei was relieved that he didn’t push the issue. What was he supposed to say? Nakano-san couldn’t fix what was wrong with him. No one could. There was no point burdening him with his thoughts. It would only be another nail in the coffin holding the end of his, admittedly, not very long nor interesting career.

“You should have some rest. Do you have someone that can pick you up?” Kei shook his head. “Well, you shouldn’t drive and it’s probably not a good idea to be on your own for the next 24 hours. Koganegawa offered to take you home if needed.” The adjunct stood up, putting the tall chair to the side, and walked to the door. “Practice will be over soon so I’ll just let him know you will be waiting here.”

Kei nodded and the adjunct coach sighed. “You look tired, Tsukishima. But it’s probably best if you wait until you get home to get some rest. You should stay home tomorrow.”

Kei’s breath hitched. _We don’t need you._ He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out and the adjunct coach slipped out of the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

_“You should stay home tomorrow” Don’t bother coming to training. We don’t need you. Nobody needs you._

There was a sharp pain over his chest and Kei clutched his shirt in his fist, the number seventeen printed on it crumpling as the middle blocker gasped. He could feel his heart beating away in his chest as if it was about to leap away from his ribcage; his palms became sweaty and his fingernails ripped holes in the paper cover of the bed as he tried to get his breathing under control. The air was heavy and weighed on him like a cold blanket of cement. _I’m dying!_ He thought.

The episode must have lasted a few minutes but it felt like hours. Kei recognized it for what it was – a panic attack. He’d had it before. The last time…

He closed his arms around his torso, feeling vulnerable and exposed all of a sudden as memories came to him unbidden. He needed—

Kei wasn’t sure what he needed other than he couldn’t stay there any longer. The walls were closing in on him and he needed to get away. From the infirmary. From the gym. From himself.

He didn’t recall grabbing the white, green, and golden sports jacket, nor did he recall how it had ended up in the infirmary. He didn’t know when he realized he was without his sports glasses either. He walked aimlessly through the street, the biting cold of the evening making the hairs on his legs rise up. If people looked, pointed, or commented, Kei was completely oblivious to it. Everything was too unfocused for him to pay attention and his mind is already trapped in the spiral of negative thoughts that always swallows him in these moments. All his doubts and insecurities get played over and over in his mind until all that is left is emptiness and numbness.

Kei found himself at the door of his flat without knowing how he got there. He supposed he had unconsciously sought the place that he most associated with safety. But the flat is empty and his safety net is still absent. From deep within the recesses of his mind, he conjures slivers of a conversation. Tetsurou was returning today. _He would rather be away for another week instead of having to take care of your sorry excuse of an existence._

The empty hallway turned dark as Kei stood in front of the door of the flat, incapable of deciding on a course of action. He had no keys and no mobile. With no way to get into his own home, no way to contact anyone, and too tired to care about anything, he walked to the stairwell and slowly climbed the stairs to the top floor. It was not surprising that the roof door was once again opened and Kei just continued towards the ledge.

It was colder up in the roof than it was on the street but this seemed to little consequence as he stared at the many buildings surrounding him, some taller, others shorter. He shivered as the wind ruffled his blond locks and looked down at the people below going about their lives. They were little more than moving blurs from that distance and without his glasses.

It would be so easy. _So easy. So so easy._

_“Promise me, Kei!! Promise me you will never do anything like this again!”_

But that was then. Surely Tetsurou has changed his mind since. Surely he has realized what a burden Kei is. Surely he would recover quickly and move on with his life. And soon, Kei would be nothing but a distant memory. Surely, everyone would be better off without him.

Surely…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T.W. > there are considerable descriptions of negative thoughts and mention of suicidal thoughts throughout the chapter. There is also a description of a panic attack. Please consider your wellbeing before continuing.  
> >_<
> 
> I toyed with the idea of whether I should or shouldn't leave this chapter in a cliff-hanger but I wanted to leave it on the same spot as the previous one. Next chapter is the last one. Thank you for reading! Please leave your kudos and comments - I would love to know your thoughts.


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